We all have at least one Tough Customer in our life. No matter what we say or do, this person is never satisfied, argues relentlessly, and sees the glass half-empty.

When they’re just passing through, dealing with them is fairly simple. Let them pass, or walk away, or hang up the phone (thanks to caller ID, you may not ever have to answer it). That usually takes care of most of them.

And sometimes the Tough Customer shows up in your life in such an important relationship that you need to work it out - for example, when it’s your kid, spouse, boss/co-worker, or neighbor.

One of the brilliant discoveries in the NLP world was the detecting of a “global pattern” in Tough Customers, which we affectionately entitled “Polarity Responders.” (kind of like ‘every action having an equal and opposite reaction.’ :-).

Here’s how it goes:

You: Point to a crystal clear blue sky and comment “Wow, that’s a really beautiful blue sky today.”
They: “Sure, maybe it’s blue now, but if you look on the horizon, you’ll see clouds.  It’s definitely going to rain … at some point.”

Most of us just call that “negativity.”

NLP named it something else to remove the judgment and allow us to easily deal with the pattern (even the name can help us view tough people as more of a ‘physics problem’ — like magnetic fields having both a positive and negative charge to balance things out).  The internal programming of Tough Customers (useful for audits and software programming, but not so much for marriage or new product development), is simply an expression of nature. At the extreme, these people “see” the opposite of anything you say, and their mouth follows closely behind.
“So what” you may be thinking.  What’s the difference if they’re driving me nuts?

The answer lives in these great moves for polarity responders.  The principle: You have to be more flexible than they are, without selling out!

Five Moves to Handle the Tough Customer

1) NOVICE. Agree with them: “Good point.” “You’re right!” Watch what happens when you increase the number of times you say these words to your Tough Customer. This DOES NOT mean that you should agreement with someone if they’re wrong.

2) INTERMEDIATE. Stop talking. After you have said “Good point, I’ll give that some thought,” shut up.  This stumps them.  Bonus: In 80% of the cases, the conversation is over at that point (which is a good thing). Go back and resume your day unscathed. You may have to circle back, but in the meantime you unplugged the pattern and bought yourself some time.”

3) INTERMEDIATE. Ask a question: “Which means?” or “What should we do?” or “What would you suggest I do?”  (in business this is a great move that few people use enough.).

4) BLACK-BELT.  Build on their argument: “I was thinking the same thing. Yes it does look like rain could happen … I wonder if we should check the weather, about cancelling our picnic?”

5) ALL-AROUND GOOD STRATEGY. Use humor. “I’ll bet you can’t answer my question without arguing.” When delivered with a big smile and a twinkling eye, this one works every time on Card-Carrying Tough Customers.  Completely stumps them. (They have to think hard to come up with something other than “I don’t argue!” or “Yes I can” — both of which support MY point).

(If this is helpful, you might find these more complete tools even more helpful: “Advanced Language Patterns”, a 4-CD set OR “Recreating Yourself” on DVD. Both can be found at shop.nlpco.com.)

Now, in real life you can’t always get past Tough Customers with verbal aikido. Sometimes it takes compassion and patience too (but only if you are more invested in being at peace than in winning).
I promise you’ll get a lot of mileage (and smiles) from practicing these tips.

By the way, Tough Customers are often really smart and worth the effort if you invest the time.
And besides, what’s the point of a life filled with people who agree with everything you say?

Best regards,

Tom Dotz, President
NLP Comprehensive

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