Solutions: Enhancing Love, Sex and Relationships
by Leslie Cameron-Bandler
DESCRIPTION: This is a book about fulfillment and choice.
The practical and effective solutions presented in the following
pages will enable you, if you choose, to convert the promise
of personal satisfaction and fulfillment into reality.
Although the material in this book is used by clinicians in the field of psychology,
all of the concepts and methods are discussed in everyday terms. Each important
point is amplified with anecdotes and actual examples from my rich background
in helping people achieve happier and more fulfilling lives. Even though the
presentation of this material is oriented around couple relationships and sexual
functioning, it is important to know that these techniques are just as effective
in producing desired change in all of the other significant areas of life. The
following set of resources is a therapist's guidebook that anyone can use to
resolve problems and make their life more of what they want it to be.
This revised and expanded edition of this work (formerly titled They Lived Happily
Ever After) contains all of the methods and techniques formulated by my colleagues
and me during our development of the field of Nero-Linguistic Programming (NLP).
That remains unchanged; none of the original book has been deleted since each
item has proven its value in creating positive change. But while this book has
received a generous and enthusiastic response over the years, time has not stood
still and even an excellent product of the past needs updating and improvement.
In addition to stylistic revisions, I have added several important new techniques
that I developed during the past few years. These techniques work to remedy problems
that were generally considered unsolvable when I first wrote this book. The new
sections on the threshold pattern in relationships (Chapters 9 and 17) are especially
relevant to anyone who wants to understand the process of falling in and out
of love, and to everyone who wants to know what to do to maintain a loving an
supportive relationship.
I have written this book for anyone who wants the experience of sexual fulfillment
and nurturing relationships to reside within the realm of choice and control.
The information contained in the following pages is for seekers and doers, people
who will not settle for less when they know that more is within reach.
Be comfortable and curious as you read this book. Recognize yourself and others
in the descriptions and stories. Practice the techniques--they work. Use what
you are about to learn, and enjoy.
EXCERPT:
LCB--Tony, what would you like changed with your wife and you to make you happy?
Tony--I'd like her to stop her bitching and nagging me all the time.
LCB--And you, Nancy, what would you like changed?
Nancy--Him.
LCB--Yes, but what, specifically, about him? Pick something to start with.
Nancy--His constant moping and whining. I can't stand it.
LCB--Okay, you want him to stop moping and whining and he wants you to stop bitching.
Tony--So we trade?
LCB--I don't think that would work for very long. Tony, I want you to really
think about this very
carefully. What is it you would really like Nancy to do when you're moping around?
Now, really think about it and tell me when you have an answer. While he's doing
that, I'd like you, Nancy, to do the same about your nagging.
Nancy--Oh, that's easy. I want him to get off his ass and do something around
the house.
LCB--So, what you're really after with all that nagging is to get a helpful response
out of Tony. Is that right? [Intention separated from behavior.]
Nancy--Yes.
Tony--Well, what I really want is some support from Nancy--for her to understand
how tired I get and not to pressure me.
LCB--So, when you're moping about what you're really after is some support? [Intention
separated from behavior.]
Tony--How, specifically, would you like Nancy to support you?
Tony--You know, maybe put her arms around me, pamper me a little, make me feel
appreciated.
LCB--So, if she came and put her arms around you and pampered you, talked to
you--nice things like that--you would feel supported by her. Right?
Tony--Yeah, I would.
LCB--Well, what I know is that right now the way you let her know that you want
her support is to mope around. And your moping around just makes her want to
nag and bitch at you. Right, Nancy?
Nancy--Right.
LCB--Now, wanting to be supported is fine, and getting that wanted support is
important. But you've been doing just exactly the right thing to get nagging
and bitching and just the wrong thing to get supported, at least by Nancy. So,
congratulations, you now have the perfect way to get Nancy to bitch at you.
Tony--Oh, thanks a lot.
LCB--Would you like some ways to actually get from Nancy what you do want?
Tony--Of course, but I'll be damned if I know how.
LCB--I believe you. But there's someone in this room who could tell you exactly
how to get the support you want.
Tony--So tell me already.
LCB--Oh, I don't know, but she does. Nancy, what is it that this man could do
that would get him the needed support? Only you know. [Nancy is used in the same
manner as a creative part.]
Nancy--Well, I never thought about...
LCB--Now's your chance. You can tell him how to act instead of that moping. He
was just moping to get your attention, but the attention he got wasn't the kind
he wanted. So, what could Tony do that would get you to put your arms around
him, pamper him a little. You know, that sort of thing.
Nancy--Well, if he was just nice to me.
LCB--Let's be more specific. Can you remember ever feeling like you wanted to
do just what it is he wants?
Nancy--Well, sure, I must've sometime.
LCB--That's right. And what did he do to get you to feel like doing that?
Nancy--I'm not sure he ever did this, but if he would just come and put his arms
around me and tell me he's dead tired or wiped out and that he needs me, I'd
fall all over myself pampering him.
LCB--Great. Listen to that, Tony. There's your answer. Can you do that? Put your
arms around her and tell her you're dead tired and that you need her?
Tony--Sure, I can do that; it just never occurred to me, that's all.
LCB--Do you know when you need that support, Tony? I mean, do you have a way
of telling when it's time to get yourself some support, instead of time to mope?
[Establish context to generate new behavior.]
Tony--Oh, yeah, I know that. I can really feel it when things are slipping out
from under me. That's when I need support.
LCB--That's beautiful. So, do you both think this new arrangement is better than
the old one? Tony--Yeah.
Nancy--Yeah.
LCB--Good. Now, about that nagging... [The re framing process continued, with
Nancy using Tony as the creative part.]
TOC:
The Puzzle of Marital Difficulties
The Factors that Make a Difference
The Importance of Rapport
Assessing Cognitive Behaviors
Utilizing Representational Systems
Detecting Congruity and Incongruity
Establishing a Well-Formed Outcome
Learning How a Problem Occurs
Falling In and Out of Love
Anchoring
Changing Personal History
Visual-Kinesthetic Dissociation
Re framing
Overlapping
Looking at Yourself through the Eyes of Someone Who Loves You
Therapeutic Metaphor
Re-evaluating Relationships
Future-pacing
REVIEWS:
This book is probably the best introduction to NLP. Leslie Cameron-Bandler is
a highly-gifted and caring therapist.
Eric Robbed, Human Potential Magazine
Solutions is a like a magical map, designed to assist anyone interested in more
successfully getting to where they want to go and more happily navigating the
realms of human interactions.
Mark Roc he, Parents Theosophical Research Group Parents Bulletin
Cameron-Bandler has learned and taught some remarkably effective ways for families
and couple to succeed in their efforts to break through communication barriers.
Journal of Marital and Family Therapy
"A first-class primer, a well-organized and easily-read survey of all the basic
premises and techniques of Nero-Linguistic Programming."
Bill Bergman, NANLP Newsletter
"My favorite NLP book. The author, an outstanding counselor and one of the developers
of NLP, has compassionate friendliness and honesty as well as expertise."
Nancy Freedom, Nero-Linguistic Programming Bibliography
"Solutions is well-written and does a good job of explaining both NLP and NLP
techniques. I would recommend this book, even for the skeptics of NLP."
Family Relations: Journal of Applied Family & Child Studies
"One could hardly ask for a better demonstration of NLP's potential power or the
effectiveness of Cameron-Bandler's presentation."
Sex Information & Education Council of the US
BACKCOVER: Can you convey passion? Intimacy? Love? Tenderness? Do
you know how to use the touches, tastes, sounds and signs of lovemaking
to have more profound and beautiful experiences?
Written by a co-developer of Nero-Linguistic Programming as a guide for sex
therapists, Solutions is a set of simple and reliable techniques used to remedy
couple and sexual problems.
Solutions is a book that takes a demonstrated contemporary psychology beyond
the therapist, delivering it to the hands of anyone committed to being well and
happy.
What readers say about Solutions:
"When my daughter got married I gave her this book so she could know how to make
her happiness last. It's the book I wish my mother could have given me."
I learned how to make my wife feel loved, out of bed as well as in."
"This book is my Bible for doing therapy."
AUTHOR BIO: Leslie Cameron-Bandler is one of the few women who have been
responsible for the creation of a new discipline. An internationally-known therapist,
author, trainer and CO-developer of Nero-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Leslie
has helped thousands of people learn how to achieve richer sexual experiences
and more fulfilling relationships. This book is the result of her desire to make
available the step-by-step techniques she knows will work quickly and effectively
for anyone.
AUTHOR'S COMMENTS: I have specialized for many years in working with troubled
couples, as well as couples and individuals suffering sexual dysfunction. As
a result of my experience and background I developed therapeutic models and techniques
for correcting relationship problems and sexual dysfunction. These models have
come about as a result of studying such therapeutic wizards as Fritz Pearls, Virginia
Satir and Milton Erickson; doing therapy with countless couples, individuals,
and families; and through seminars with a variety of professional communicators.
My purpose in modeling human experience is to overcome limitations and transform
them into possibilities rich with choices. The purpose of this book is to make
available to you the information and skills which make it possible to be successful
in helping people establish enriching and fulfilling couple relationships, including
mutually-satisfying sexual expression. The skills presented in this book include
perceptual and behavioral options you need to transform a person's experience
from a set of limitations to a set of choices. Each model and change technique
includes a behavioral outcome that is easily-testable and verifiable in your
sensory experience, leaving no doubt about its validity.
A model is a representation of experience, in the same way that a map is a representation
of an area of territory, or a model airplane is a representation of a full-sized
functioning airplane. The models presented here are blueprints for moving from
unwanted to wanted experience. These models of change satisfy four conditions:
(1) they work to produce the results they were designed for, (2) they are described
in a step-by-step manner, so they are learnable and reproducible, (3) they are
elegant, i.e., they use the least number of steps necessary to achieve the outcome,
and (4) they are independent of content and deal with the form of the process,
and therefore have universal applicability.
The models of change presented here use explicit, operational procedures to move
a person from one specific experience to another. It is possible to give people
directions that, when followed, will results in their arrival at the desired
location. What is needed is knowledge of the present location, knowledge of the
desired location, and knowledge of the possible routes between the two. If you
have an overview of a maze, it is quite simple to chart a path from the center
of the maze to freedom. Without such an overview you would waste precious time
and energy on circular wanderings and dead ends. This book shows you how to determine
the present or existing experiential location and how to specify the desired
experiential location; it also provides choices (with instructions) for going
from one to another.
